Honesty.
We all say we want it, but do we really want complete honesty all the time? I honestly doubt it, but that’s a discussion for another day. There is an unspoken truth in the dating world:
It’s better to lie or keep certain things private when initially dating someone.
I know, that’s a controversial statement, but hear me out. How many of us genuinely only date one person at a time? Or even more generally speaking, how many us only entertain one person at a time? For all of those who are reading this and feel they fall into these categories… (raises hand) I have questions.
Picture this. Let’s say you meet someone on Monday, you exchange information and you’re making plans to go out on a date on Friday. Later on in the week on Wednesday, you meet someone else who wants to go out on Sunday. Are you really saying that you would not entertain the second individual? Are you really going to say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I have a date this week and I don’t date more than one person at a time”? If the answer is yes, then you are a very special breed and I do not understand you.
For the rest of us, we’re going to take up that date with the second individual. I mean, the truth is, why shouldn’t we? We have no idea who the first individual is nor how the date is going to go. Further, for all we know, the second individual may be a far better match.
Let’s add a little twist to it. Let’s say that when the second individual spoke to you, they initially asked for a date on Friday. Would you tell them that you couldn’t because you had a date with someone else? Some people would, some people wouldn’t. And those who would, I’d be willing to bet, some are hesitant to reveal. Why? Because of this unspoken truth in the dating:
People lose interest when they find out a potential is entertaining more than just them.
This is true for both men and women. How many times have you seen or heard someone say, “if you’re seeing anyone at all, I don’t want you”, “if everybody has you, I don’t want you”, “I can’t take someone seriously who’s dating multiple people”, etc. ? Guys will lose interest in a woman the moment they find out she’s dating or involved with another man. The same is true for women.
In my eyes, this is very hypocritical. Chances are, the vast majority of us are dating/involved with more than one person (until we have an agreement of exclusivity). So to get upset or lose interest in someone after learning they’re seeing others, is definitely hypocritical. And unfortunately, this is what breeds deception and lying in the dating phase, because everyone knows this unspoken truth. “I don’t want you to lose interest in me, so I’m not going to tell you that I’m dating others”. Whether or not we consciously think that is irrelevant, our actions indicate that that is our thought process.
Now, another question that I won’t get into right now is, why does the idea of your love interest dating others make you lose interest in them? This is a major point of discussion and I will talk about it later, but it’s something to really think about because I believe the underlying drivers of it is a source of a lot of dating and relationship problems.
But all of this begs the question, should we be upfront about who we’re seeing, interested in, or fucking? Honestly? My answer is NO. So how do I or should you get around all of this?
It’s actually quite simple. I just assume that whomever I’m dating is seeing and fucking other people. Like, for real. Until we have a discussion of exclusivity, I have no reason to believe I am their only love interest. What’s more, by assuming there are others in the mix, I don’t feel the need to ask and I know I need to be safe sexually. In short, you need to accept ahead of time:
You’re not the only one in the mix.
It’s honestly better to just avoid the question and subsequent feelings and changes in behavior that comes with it. Chances are you’re dating more than one person… just assume they are too. You’d be foolish not to.
Author
Daniel Johnston
Chicago
27, M
New Relationship, no kids, never married
