And it fucking hurt. Still does. But I really feel it was the best thing to do.
Walk with me
This wasn’t our first go around, it was our second. The first was a few years ago. I ended it back then too and it truly was for the best. Neither of us were where we needed to be. Years passed and I had stepped into the poly lifestyle. After being in that lifestyle for a while, I had told people closest to me, that I would never give it up… EXCEPT… for her. She never thought this was a big deal… but that’s a discussion for another day.
Star crossed lovers I guess, because our paths met again and we found ourselves in each other’s lives again. Before we even got back together, I knew what was going to happen. I had another shot with the woman that all others are compared to. I wasn’t about to let this opportunity slip away.
I had decided pretty early on, she was it, she was going to be my wife, the mother of my children, the whole nine. She doesn’t know this, but I even asked her father for permission to marry her (and he said yes).
Unfortunately, issues started to reveal themselves and they were bigger than I thought. Ego, pride, distrust, insecurity, etc. All of it crept in and the more I saw, the more I had to pump the brakes on the relationship. She did not like this.
We had gone to counseling and I had voiced my issues with the relationship. It got to the point where I had decided that I was no longer going to fight her on anything anymore. I could not continue to try to change her mind or convince her of anything I knew was not true. Even today, I can tell you all of the issues SHE HAD with me in the relationship. And I’m not going to pretend I was perfect, I definitely was not. However, if you asked her what my issues were, she wouldn’t be able to articulate them. And yes, I articulated them, on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, she never really acknowledged them until I either completely lost my shit or we were breaking up.
Anyway, prior to the big break up, we broke up over a huge miscommunication. And when we’ve had miscommunications in the past, I was always the one at fault. But this particular one, I knew exactly what she said and what it meant, only for her to tell me I misheard her. I wasn’t having it and ended it right then and there (she tried to backtrack after she saw how strongly I reacted). A few weeks later, she calls me up, we talk, we kinda work it out and decide to give it one more go.
I told myself going into it, I’m going all out. I’m going to address everything she’s had an issue with and really just execute and truly be the best I can be. I thought, if I just do my part, we’ll be ok. For three solid weeks, I had been doing everything. I was going to sleep feeling good and thought we were in a good place. I was checking in and making sure I was hitting everything. All seemed good until one morning…
“How long do you think we can keep going like this?”
“What do you mean?”
“This relationship, I don’t feel like I’m a priority to you and you don’t make space for me”
I asked her why she felt this way and she revealed that it was because I had not done something she had been asking me for weeks to do. It was a simple thing that she had been asking for. No excuse on my part. I dropped the ball here and didn’t do it. And when I say simple, I mean simple like get her a silk pillow case.
Now I must add, I will never tell someone how much something should or should not mean to them. This was important to her and I dropped the ball. But unfortunately, this entire incident was very revealing for me.
“How can you say that when I’ve been addressing just about everything you’ve been complaining about?”
“You’re supposed to be doing that” (mind you, you can say this about ANYTHING)
“So let me get this straight, I don’t get any credit for making effort to address the things you’ve had issue with?”
And that sealed it for me. Because in that moment, it became painfully clear to me that she was never going to be happy. Why? Because, I’m not perfect. I’m not going to do or catch everything, no matter how much I try. And this showed me that she was using my shortcomings to gauge my feelings for her instead of the actions and efforts I had done successfully.
In other words, despite everything I was making a sincere effort to do, my not doing that ONE THING meant that she wasn’t a priority to me. She could have easily looked at what I had been doing and said, “oh wow, this man has listened to me and is really trying to make me happy”. But instead, she chose to look at my fuck up to be the barometer of my feelings for her.
Who wants to be with someone that’s only going to use your failings as their gauge of your feelings for them?
Who wants to deal with that for a lifetime?
And I won’t.